Atlas of the Heart

Atlas of the Heart by Dr. Brené Brown

Did you know that adults can on average only clearly identify three emotions? Happy, Sad, and Mad are the most commonly recognizable emotions.

However, in her book Atlas of the Heart, Dr. Brown gives us a vocabulary and understanding of our emotions that empowers us to interpret and interact with our own emotions. This vocabulary also empowers us to communicate our emotions and understand the emotions of those we encounter and engage with.

As I read Atlas of the Heart, I found myself seeing relationships and interactions in a new light.

This book empowered me to better understand where people are coming from for the purpose of compassion, communication, and relationship. The understanding I absorbed from this book has also been empowering me to become more proactive in regard to my emotions instead of reactive.

I hope that Atlas of the Heart empowers you as well.

Here are a few of the many powerful lessons I was challenged with reading this work.

Using Resentment as an Indicator (Chapter 2)

“Now when I start to feel resentful, instead of thinking, “what is that person doing wrong,” or “what should they be doing?” I think, “what do I need that I am afraid to ask for?””

Resentment often has little to do with the freedoms or experiences of the people around us. More frequently, resentment clues us into realizing that we are experiencing the absence of something in our own lives.

Where do you find yourself feeling resentful towards those around you? What needs are being unmet? And how will you overcome your fear of asking for what you need?

Defining Disappointment (Chapter 3)

Dr. Brown defines disappointment this way:

“Disappointment is unmet expectations. The more significant the expectations, the more significant the disappointment.”

Throughout Atlas of the Heart, Dr. Brown described several times when she and her husband clarified expectations and that helped them to avoid disappointment. In my opinion, the most humorous example was when her husband suggested they go over expectations after seeing that she had 3 books in her suitcase when they were taking their kids on a trip to Disney. She didn’t get any reading done on that trip.

I felt a little called out because I love reading and my idea of a perfect vacation at this season of my life is being in close proximity to my wife and I have found myself feeling put out and disappointed when we have to make meals or take the kids to the pool.

Where are unclear expectations leading you and those around you to disappointment?

What difficult conversations need to be had to clarify expectations and boundaries?

If you can’t come up with anything off the top of your head, just think about family gatherings where people end up grumpy and mad at each other. Often there are uncommunicated and unmet expectations under the surface of disappointment.

A few months ago, I was in a session with a coaching client of mine, and she shared that her children had moved away and chosen different paths, that she had hoped for. The result was that she was grieving the loss of what she expected family gatherings and being a parent of adult kids and grandparent looked like in her mind.

My client could have allowed her unmet expectations to breed resentment in her mind, but she actively chose to confront her expectations and embrace her reality.

Longing for a fictional reality will only leave us resenting those we love most.

Dangers of Nostalgia (Chapter 5)

Dr. Brown defines nostalgia as:

“A urning for the way things used to be in our often idealized and self-protective version of the past.”

Too often I hear adults telling kids that Junior High and High School are the best times of their life, so don’t be in a hurry to move one.

On one hand, I think about how if we wish away the season we are in, we will develop a habit of always waiting for the next season.

On the other hand, I look at my life and each season has been characterized by growth. I would not give up all the difficulties of my life now to go back into Junior High or High School. With each season I have gotten better at finding joy and growing as a person.

If we find ourselves longing for the past, we are looking with rose-colored glasses and are in essence wishing away the blessings God has for us in the present and future.

Grief and Anguish (Chapter 6)

"What we think is a familiar grief, we’ve come to know and understand and even integrate into our lives can surprise us again and again, often in the form of anguish. This is especially true when something sparks that shock and that incredulity in us... It’s often hard to find our way back into our bodies after experiencing anguish. This is why so much effective trauma work today is not only about reclaiming our breath, and our feelings, and our thinking but also getting our bones back and returning to our bodies. When we experience anguish and we don’t get help or support, we can find it difficult to get up off the floor and reengage with our lives. We go through the motions, but we are still crumpled.”

As many of you know, a little over four years ago, my son Philip died two hours after he was born. The season that followed was one focused on necessity and nothing else. I went through the motions and even slid off the road into a telephone pole on my first day heading back to work.

There were many people who blessed us, supported us, encouraged us, and checked in on us.

Despite all the support, comfort, and grief counseling there are still times when something small triggers me, tears well up in my eyes and emotionally I feel like I am on the ground in a twisted fetal position. One of my triggers is the hymn, “It is Well.”

That song was such a comfort to me and a proclamation of my worship leading up to Philip’s birth and death.

Now I try to be very careful about how I engage with the song, because it can incapacitate me.

This experience has led me to be far more compassionate with others knowing that there may be some hidden grief and anguish that if I knew, I would be applauding how well they are doing.

After my brief bit of catharsis in this review/blog, how do you cope with anguish and support those experiencing anguish themselves?

An Incredible Book

I bookmarked so many quotes in Atlas of the Heart. My hope is that you and I would choose to worship God with all of our heart, soul, mind, and might.

I believe that includes understanding how we operate as complex beings so that we can grow and so that we may have deeper relationships with those God places around us.

One way that I suggest we grow in this area is by increasing our emotional vocabulary so that we may understand ourselves and bless those who are hurting.

I plan on rereading Atlas of the Heart several times to continue growing in my understand of emotions and their impact on our lives.

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