Suicide and Survivor's Guilt
Apr 06, 2023
Suicide and Survivor's Guilt
Suicide is traumatic for the people left behind and more than simply the grief of losing a loved one.
This article is unlike most that I write. It is personally therapeutic and with the hope of providing other survivors with the knowledge that they are not alone.
Unfortunately, suicide is becoming increasingly common.
Just yesterday, I was on a call with a business partner whose 17-year-old daughter has had two classmates commit suicide this year.
I personally have had three dear friends that committed suicide.
The first was when I was in 7th grade.
The second was about 5 years ago.
And the most recent was in the last few months.
I continue to wonder what I might have done differently with each of these friends.
One of these friends, I was texting with the night he took his own life. I knew he wasn’t doing well and started looking up flights to go visit him and he stopped responding. The next day, I got ahold of his parents, and he had taken his own life.
I feel guild over asking a closed question that only had two possible answers instead of asking an open question that would have challenged him to choose to lie to me instead of providing him a lie he could use.
Last night, I woke up from a dream where I was searching for my friend who went missing in my dream but in reality, he had recently taken his own life. When I woke up, I remembered that not only was that friend out of touch, but he was no longer alive.
It took me hours to calm down and get back to sleep from this dream. Even now, I am still processing by writing this article.
The grief is strong, and it is laced with survivor’s guilt.
As I think of my friends who have taken their lives, I think back to seasons of my life when I was contemplating suicide.
I wonder why God has protected me the way he has.
I feel guilty that I am alive, and these friends are not.
I am grateful that I am alive. That feeling for gratitude and relief leaves me feeling burdened with guilt for feeling relieved.
Yet, I don’t want to give up this attitude of gratitude for life because I know that is one of the blessings God has used to protect me.
The cycle builds, increasing gratitude with guilt as I ride this Ferris wheel of emotions going faster and faster with seemingly no end in sight.
I know the Bible verses. I know that I “should” be giving myself grace and trusting in God’s sovereignty. And to a degree I am, but it is hard to look up and find Christ when I am tumbling so fast that my relationship to up changes so frequently.
I am grateful for the life God has given me.
I am grateful for good works God has prepared before me.
And I am grateful for eternal life through faith in Christ Jesus.
The Bible refers to God as, “the God of all comfort... able to comfort in any affliction,”
2 Corinthians 1: 3-5
3 Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, 4 who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. 5 For as we share abundantly in Christ's sufferings, so through Christ we share abundantly in comfort too.
So even though I don’t understand the spectrum of emotions and thoughts that I am experiencing, I am committed to reminding myself to trust Him and find my comfort in Him.
I pray that this has encouraged you as you deal with your big emotions in the wake of suicide.
I am broken man, in a broken world, clinging to a perfect savior whose love I am trying to accept and understand.
Stay connected with news and updates!
Join our mailing list to receive the latest news and updates from our team.
Don't worry, your information will not be shared.
We hate SPAM. We will never sell your information, for any reason.
